Sorry Bob Costas, but try as you might, that opening ceremony was uninspiring, weird, and boring as shit, which pretty much sums up the Brits.\u00a0 Even though the Queen had a cameo role with James Bond, who is pretty badass (the Machine is fond of fictional Brits), her Royal Sourpuss never cracked a smile, and looked about as enthused as a colonoscopy patient.\u00a0 Sorry Queenie, you\u2019re showcasing your country to the world, you\u2019re supposed to put on a smile and show the global community the cultural depth of your society.\u00a0 Instead, we get an opening ceremony prominently featured with Mr. Bean. \u00a0Seriously, Mr. Freaking Bean.\u00a0 We would\u2019ve accepted Bennie Hill chasing around a sexy nurse in a golf cart.\u00a0 How about some Monty Python?\u00a0 A hologram Freddy Mercury?\u00a0 Hell, we\u2019ll even take the Spice Girls.\u00a0 But no, we get a continuous dribble of dull, dry, and unexciting British pomp and circumstance (filthy wankers).<\/p>\n
And don\u2019t even get the Machine started with that lame-ass torch lighting (don\u2019t worry Barcelona, your place in history as the Greatest.\u00a0 Torch Lighting Ceremony.\u00a0 Ever. is still firmly in tact).\u00a0 Clearly, the IOC didn\u2019t bother to read any of the Machine\u2019s letters with our numerous torch lighting suggestions.\u00a0 We\u2019ll share two with you (the others have already been forwarded to Rio).<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0 Iron Maiden<\/strong>.\u00a0 With Number of the Beast blaring, Bruce Dickenson walks into Olympic Stadium with his guitar on fire!\u00a0 The field opens up, and Eddie emerges!!! Bruce throws the guitar at Eddie, who bursts into flames, and boom, EDDIE\u2019S THE TORCH, everyone in the world community are now huge Maiden fans, and all children under the age of 10 in are scared shitless.<\/p>\n 2.\u00a0 Pippa<\/strong>.\u00a0 What better way to light the torch than with Pippa? (honestly, the Amy Winehouse crack pipe would\u2019ve been a huge hit\u2026but someone had to go and ruin that one).\u00a0 Anyway, picture this:\u00a0 Pippa goes all Katniss Everdeen, and waltzes into Olympic Stadium with her dress on fire!\u00a0 Pippa jumps into the ring of fire, sets the torch ablaze, rips off her clothes and proclaims her love for the Machine (ok, that last part may have been mixed up with a reoccuring dream of the Machine).<\/p>\n Point is:\u00a0 mix it up a little Britain.\u00a0 Trade in your tea and crumpets for a Vodka\/Red Bull and let\u2019s get the party started.\u00a0 And come on, we\u2019re your friends America.\u00a0 We got your back.\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019ll send over our finest ambassadors to make sure the party never ends (paging Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sorry Bob Costas, but try as you might, that opening ceremony was uninspiring, weird, and boring as shit, which pretty much sums up the Brits.\u00a0 Even though the Queen had a cameo role with James Bond, who is pretty badass … Continue reading