Admittedly, it\u2019s a slow week for teabags.\u00a0 No significant arrests or other acts of tomfoolery to note.\u00a0 In fact, the sports world has been pretty good natured and caring this week.\u00a0 Louisville\u2019s NCAA Championship, drawing inspiration from Kevin Ware?\u00a0 Great storyline and impressive display of resolve by the Cardinals.\u00a0 That video of Jack Hoffman, the 7 year old cancer patient who scored a touchdown during the Nebraska Cornhusker spring practice?\u00a0 Downright heartwarming (see, The Machine has a sensitive side).\u00a0 But fear not:\u00a0 like a free lunch, there\u2019s no such thing as a week free of teabags, and when in doubt, look for a famous athlete\u2019s intra-family squabble.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s right, this week\u2019s teabag focuses on the family of Johnny Unitas, and the making of the upcoming “hit” movie, Unitas We Stand (for horrible clich\u00e9s).\u00a0 Without knowing anything more about this movie, The Machine knows this has \u201cstraight to DVD\u201d written all over it.\u00a0 Sure, Johnny Unitas was a great player, an icon for his era, and the 1958 NFL Championship game against the Giants has been called the greatest game of all time.\u00a0 But I\u2019m going to need a little more than that.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get us wrong.\u00a0 Johnny Unitas is a legend, but if you\u2019re going to make a (successful) nonfiction movie about sports that occurred before 1980, there needs to be drama, Gene Hackman, or Will Smith.\u00a0 Hoosiers.\u00a0 Raging Bull.\u00a0 Ali.\u00a0 Now those are compelling sports stories (add 42 to that list too because that fits the mold as well).\u00a0 Sorry, but we\u2019re just not feeling it here, and we love sports movies (still waiting for Mighty Ducks 4).<\/p>\n
But the snoozefest and inevitable Razzie award winner that this movie\u2019s about to be isn\u2019t the real story.\u00a0 The real story involves the Unitas family itself.\u00a0 Apparently, Johnny Unitas was as proficient off the field as he was on it\u2026siring 8 kids via two marriages (Johnny just upped his street cred).\u00a0 And this is where it gets good.\u00a0 A fight is brewing between the children of Unitas\u2019 first marriage (Original Recipe Unitas) and the children of his second marriage (Extra Crispy Unitas).\u00a0 And it centers around who will play the coveted role of Johnny U.<\/p>\n
You see, Joe Unitas (Extra Crispy Unitas) casted Joe Flacco to play the part of his dad.\u00a0 This did not sit well with John Unitas Jr. (Original Recipe Unitas), who called Flacco a \u201cgoofball\u201d and not worthy of playing the role.\u00a0 Choosing Flacco \u201cis a joke\u201d claimed John Unitas Jr., who argued that the part should have gone to Peyton Manning.\u00a0 J.C. Unitas, an Original Recipe grandchild, took his argument to Facebook, calling Flacco an \u201cembarrassing choice.\u201d\u00a0 Also, Unitas\u2019 second wife, Sandra, unsuccessfully sued John Unitas Jr. over control of Unitas Management Corp., which controls the rights to Johnny Unitas\u2019 name. \u00a0Now who doesn\u2019t want to be at that Thanksgiving dinner table?<\/p>\n
So who\u2019s right?\u00a0 Well, Peyton is clearly more Unitas-like.\u00a0 An iconic figure and living legend, he played for the Colts (Johnny\u2019s team), broke all of Unitas\u2019 team passing records, will go down as one of the best to ever play, and is camera friendly (is there a commercial he\u2019s not in?).\u00a0 But Flacco\u2019s no slouch.\u00a0 He\u2019s the current “it” quarterback:\u00a0 Superbowl MVP, plays for Baltimore (Johnny\u2019s city), and (for now) is the highest paid QB in the game.\u00a0 Flacco\u2019s knock, despite just winning the Superbowl, is that he\u2019s not one of the greats (he\u2019s not even Top 5 of current QBs, let alone of all time).\u00a0<\/p>\n
The Machine\u2019s no movie critic (we thought Beer League got snubbed) but we got a suggestion:\u00a0 hire a real actor.\u00a0 That\u2019s their job.\u00a0 Sure, Peyton\u2019s no stranger to the camera, that dude can sell Papa John\u2019s pizzas like no one else, and he killed it on SNL, but does he have the chops to act on the big screen?\u00a0 And Flacco, what does he know about playing like an elite quarterback?\u00a0 Kind of like asking Octomom for parenting advice.\u00a0 That would be one hell of an acting job on his part.<\/p>\n
Seriously, could there be a more first world problem:\u00a0 which superstar NFL quarterback gets to play my dad?\u00a0 And while The Machine prefers to watch family dramas unfold via Maury (the results are in\u2026you ARE the father) these classy folks will forego daytime television and go straight to the courtroom.\u00a0 Ironic, because if this movie ever gets made, that\u2019s exactly where it\u2019s going.\u00a0 We\u2019re guessing Original Recipe Unitas files an injunction against Extra Crispy Unitas to block the release of the film, thus dragging this fight out for years.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Bottom line:\u00a0 nothing says \u201cI love you dad\u201d more than publicly tarnishing the family name.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Enjoy your teabag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Admittedly, it\u2019s a slow week for teabags.\u00a0 No significant arrests or other acts of tomfoolery to note.\u00a0 In fact, the sports world has been pretty good natured and caring this week.\u00a0 Louisville\u2019s NCAA Championship, drawing inspiration from Kevin Ware?\u00a0 Great … Continue reading