Yes, the worst day after the Super Bowl is Tuesday.\u00a0 Not Monday\u2026Monday you\u2019re too hung over to care and still pissed that you were this close<\/i> to winning the final numbers on your squares (was that safety really necessary?).\u00a0 Yup, it\u2019s Tuesday, when you\u2019ve sobered up, stopped burping chicken wings and taco dip, that it hits you:\u00a0 Football\u2019s over.\u00a0 It\u2019s a horrible feeling\u2026an empty void that can\u2019t be replaced.\u00a0 It\u2019s like your favorite pet gets killed every February.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Not to get too overdramatic, but what do you do with your life now?\u00a0 Well, for starters, you can focus on other things\u2026like the Draft<\/a> (80 days and counting).\u00a0 And, you still have us, and we\u2019re not done with the Super Bro\u2122 yet.\u00a0 So, because we\u2019re not ready to let go, here\u2019s our analysis of the Super Bro\u2122, Teabag-style.<\/p>\n Jim Harbaugh<\/strong>.\u00a0 Dammit Jim, The Machine was pulling for you.\u00a0 We knew the Ravens had that look of destiny to them, eerily reminiscent of last year\u2019s New York Giants\u2026they had an up and down regular season, were beset by injuries, had a quarterback many refused to call elite, and were underdogs throughout the playoffs.\u00a0 We knew that, yet still picked the Niners to win (although did pick the Ravens ATS) because you had that crazy look to you.\u00a0 On a scale of 1 to bat shit, you registered a solid bat shit.\u00a0 So, we thought your bat shit crazy (what real journalists would call passion or tenacity) would trump destiny.\u00a0 The balls of steel you displayed by starting C-Kap and taking the read option to the next level would be too much for Baltimore to handle.\u00a0 You were the sexy pick\u2026the Fifty Shades of Gray.\u00a0 It felt right.\u00a0 So good.\u00a0 We wanted more\u2026we needed more\u2026give it to us (splashes cold water on genitals).\u00a0 Umm\u2026moving on.<\/p>\n So, imagine our disgust when, with the game on the line, first and goal at the 7, you shed your Fifty Shades zipper mask and go straight up missionary style:\u00a0 First down, run LaMichael James (2 yards), second down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, third down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, fourth down, incomplete pass to Crabtree.\u00a0 Worst of all:\u00a0 no pistol formation.\u00a0 No creativity.\u00a0 In short:\u00a0 no crazy.\u00a0 This can only be chalked up to an epic failure on your part.\u00a0 Forget the holding call\u2026you lost when you lined up goal line formation.\u00a0 Your crazy is a fine line:\u00a0 when you win, you\u2019re lauded as a hard-nosed fighter that coaches with his heart on his sleeve.\u00a0 When you lose, those same antics turn you in to a whining, sniveling, little brother that runs to tattle tale on big brother and creates excuses why it wasn\u2019t your fault.\u00a0 Listen up little bro, that loss is on you.<\/p>\n Randy Moss<\/strong>.\u00a0 The (self-proclaimed) greatest receiver ever had two receptions for 41 yards, no touchdowns, and is now 0-2 in Super Bowls.\u00a0 FYI, Jerry went 5\/77\/1 in has last Super Bowl, and is the only player ever to catch a touchdown pass in 4 different Super Bowls. #respectJerry<\/p>\n Ray Lewis<\/strong>.\u00a0 The Machine wasn\u2019t so much rooting for the Niners as we were rooting against you.\u00a0 Everything you (read: your PR people) have attempted to achieve in the past dozen years rebuilding your image is bullshit.\u00a0 Sure, it\u2019s going to get you a cushy network job at ESPN, but at the end of the day, you covered up the murder of two men, have 6 kids with 4 different women (#wrapitup), and allegedly used illegal PEDs.\u00a0 You can\u2019t hide from deer antler spray gate.\u00a0 Despite your vehement denials, if it is your voice on tape, you will (finally) be exposed for the fraud you are.\u00a0 We\u2019ll give you 6 years (one year after you get in the HOF) to publish your tell all book, where you\u2019ll finally come out and bare your soul.<\/p>\n Commercials<\/strong>. As a whole, the commercials sucked.\u00a0 Despite what the left tells you, the Volkswagen commercial is not racist, it\u2019s just not funny.\u00a0 Bar Refaeli making out with the 30 year old virgin is weird, and is anyone going to drink Bud Black Crown? (no).\u00a0 Best commercial goes to Taco Bell and the old people breaking out of the nursing home.\u00a0<\/p>\n Beyonce<\/strong>.\u00a0 Despite what the right tells you, Beyonce nailed the halftime show.\u00a0 #girlgotgame.\u00a0 Although The Machine will continue to question the use of fireworks in a dome, her performance was by far the best in a long time.\u00a0 Hopefully, the geriatric halftime shows of the past few years (Madonna, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty) are over, although The Machine is already starting a campaign for Jovi to play the halftime show next year in Giants stadium.<\/p>\n So there you have it\u2026a collection of Super Bro\u2122 teabags, with the exception of Bey, who we\u2019d actually like to teabag.\u00a0 But fear not.\u00a0 Even though football\u2019s over, there\u2019s still plenty of teabags to go around, and we\u2019ll be here to bring \u2018em to you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Yes, the worst day after the Super Bowl is Tuesday.\u00a0 Not Monday\u2026Monday you\u2019re too hung over to care and still pissed that you were this close to winning the final numbers on your squares (was that safety really necessary?).\u00a0 Yup, … Continue reading