What a crazy week.\u00a0 Once again, there was fight to be this week\u2019s Tuesday Teabag.\u00a0 Honorable mention goes to Tom Brady and his bitch kick.\u00a0 Do you realize it\u2019s been 8 years since the Patriots won the Super Bowl?\u00a0 #thedynastyisdead.\u00a0<\/p>\n
No friends, this Tuesday Teabag goes to none other than Manti Te\u2019o and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.\u00a0 For much of the past six days, The Machine has been completely transfixed by the Manti Te\u2019o story.\u00a0 Was he in on it?\u00a0 When did he know?\u00a0 What the fuck is catfishing?\u00a0 Is there such thing as a Hawaiian Mormon?\u00a0 So many questions, so little time.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get right into it.<\/p>\n
First, much props to Deadspin for uncovering this nugget of crazy.\u00a0 If you haven\u2019t read the Deadspin article, do it now<\/a>.\u00a0 Those dudes are always all over the stories we need to know (nice work on the Brett Favre junk story, btw).<\/p>\n In some way or another, you\u2019ve all heard and\/or read the story by now:\u00a0 Manti Te\u2019o, star LB for Notre Dame who finished second in the Heisman voting, was in a \u201crelationship\u201d with Lennay Kekua since 2009.\u00a0 Then, in September, 2012, just after his grandmother dies, his girlfriend dies as well, from leukemia, after recovering from a car accident.\u00a0 This double-whammy of personal tragedy elevates Manti to the national spotlight (oh how we love watching people play sports through personal problems).\u00a0 The media (whores) seize on this story, and Manti\u2019s instantly on the cover of Sports Illustrated (note: just because you write about sports doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t have to fact check) and he becomes a household name.<\/p>\n There was only one tiny problem:\u00a0 Lennay did not exist.\u00a0 The whole relationship was a sham.\u00a0 Depending on who you believe, Manti was either in on the hoax or was the victim of a cruel joke.\u00a0 It\u2019s been rumored that a friend of Manti, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, was the mastermind behind the hoax.\u00a0 But why and to what gain?\u00a0 Just messing with a na\u00efve meathead?\u00a0 And where is Ronaiah?\u00a0 And then, you have Reagan Mauia of the Arizona Cardinals saying she\u2019s real<\/a>?\u00a0 Who the hell is this guy?\u00a0<\/p>\n Ok, where do we begin?\u00a0 First, you\u2019re not in a relationship if you haven\u2019t banged, let alone seen your partner.\u00a0 Second, Manti\u2026you\u2019re not only a Division I athlete, you\u2019re the starting middle linebacker for the most storied college football program in the country.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need the internet to get laid (leave that to the losers that paint your helmet every week).\u00a0 Third, how could you possibly be that dumb where, for three years, you thought you were in a relationship yet never met the person, and, whenever you tried, you were rebuffed?\u00a0 How many times did you fall for the \u201cmy facetime isn\u2019t working\u201d line?\u00a0 That didn\u2019t clue you in that maybe, just maybe, you\u2019re sexting with a trucker?\u00a0<\/p>\n Then, as if things couldn\u2019t get weirder, you pull out (something you never did with Lennay) of the Senior Bowl and become a recluse.\u00a0 Then, perhaps under the urging of your PR firm, you agree to do an interview but refuse to be on camera.\u00a0 Thus, we have to form our opinion of whether you\u2019re telling the truth on how Jeremy Schaap formed his.\u00a0 Yes, this Jeremy Schaap<\/a>.\u00a0 No thank you, that did nothing to satisfy us.\u00a0 We need to see you with our own eyes.<\/p>\n Ok, says PR Team, problem solved.\u00a0 Manti\u2019s agreed to do an interview, on camera, with hard-hitting award journalist Katie Couric.\u00a0 That would appear to comply with what we want, but then The Machine\u2019s Research Department uncovered this nugget:\u00a0 Manti and Katie are represented by the same PR firm.\u00a0 Do you honestly think they\u2019re going to put Manti in harm\u2019s way by having an objective interview?\u00a0 Of course not.\u00a0 This interview will be completely pre-rehearsed, pre-recorded, edited, and framed to make Manti the victim.\u00a0 Look, we get that that\u2019s the job of a good PR Team.\u00a0 They need to work double-time to keep you in the first round of the draft.\u00a0 But dammit, we didn\u2019t waste the better part of five straight working days to not get the truth.\u00a0 The Machine wants the truth.\u00a0 The Machine needs the truth.\u00a0 Sadly, The Machine doesn\u2019t think we\u2019ll ever know the real story.<\/p>\n Unless he scores a 0 on the Wonderlic, The Machine finds it hard to believe that he didn\u2019t know. \u00a0Maybe he didn\u2019t help create it, but he certainly didn\u2019t go to any lengths to correct people after he realized what was up.\u00a0 And what\u2019s with catfishing?\u00a0 Is it a real thing?\u00a0 Is it this generation\u2019s version of phony phone calls?\u00a0 This story, if nothing else, has helped The Machine (comfortably in his 30s) realize that he has more in common with people in their 40s then people in their 20s.\u00a0 Shit\u2026<\/p>\n And why does Notre Dame get lumped in with this Teabag, you ask?\u00a0 Well, within minutes of learning of this alleged hoax, the Fighting Irish embark on their own investigation, the results of which they conclude that Manti was 100% not a part of this hoax.\u00a0 However, we come to find out that their \u201cinvestigation\u201d was paper thin.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t interview Manti, his family, or Ronaiah.\u00a0 But yet, they are 100% certain that their meal ticket…err, student athlete, wasn\u2019t involved.\u00a0 You get the sense that they were more concerned about preserving the legacy of Notre Dame than helping to vindicate Manti.\u00a0 If only they would act so swiftly when there\u2019s a real dead girl<\/a>.\u00a0 Their handling of this situation, and hand-washing of the Lizzy Seeberg story, is shameful.\u00a0<\/p>\n Anyway, Manti, here\u2019s some advice from The Machine:\u00a0 Get your shit together.\u00a0 This story isn\u2019t going to hurt you as much as your performance in the National Championship Game will.\u00a0 Your Combine results are more important than your sit down with Katie.\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget that.\u00a0 Also, DO NOT open that e-mail from the Nigerian Prince (hint: he\u2019s not a real prince).\u00a0<\/p>\n Enjoy the Teabag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What a crazy week.\u00a0 Once again, there was fight to be this week\u2019s Tuesday Teabag.\u00a0 Honorable mention goes to Tom Brady and his bitch kick.\u00a0 Do you realize it\u2019s been 8 years since the Patriots won the Super Bowl?\u00a0 #thedynastyisdead.\u00a0 … Continue reading