Somewhere along the line, probably in one of those father\/son teaching moments, The Machine was told to never kick a man when they\u2019re down.\u00a0 Considering we spend one article a week completely trashing people for the dumb stuff they do and say, clearly that advice was well taken.\u00a0 Papa Machine must be proud.<\/p>\n
Anyway, we can\u2019t help but pile the trash on top of Lance Armstrong.\u00a0 While normally reserved to people with two functioning testicles (is it really a teabag with just one?), your actions over the past few days leave us with no other choice.\u00a0 Confessing on Oprah?\u00a0 Really, dude.\u00a0 That\u2019s so 1994.\u00a0 Was\u00a0Montell Williams\u00a0booked?\u00a0<\/p>\n
You know, it\u2019s not so much that he used performance enhancing drugs and participated (read: orchestrated) the greatest blood-doping scheme ever.\u00a0 Loyal readers of The Machine know that we really don\u2019t care that much about athletes and doping<\/a>.\u00a0 It\u2019s been going on forever and will continue to go on forever.\u00a0 And, not to get too far off topic, but what\u2019s the difference between steroids (illegal) and cortisone shots and painkillers (prescribed liberally by every team doctor)?\u00a0 But I digress\u2026<\/p>\n No Lance, the real reason you\u2019re in our crosshairs is the way you went about it all.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t just issue denials.\u00a0 You loudly proclaimed to the world that you never took drugs, were the most tested athlete ever, and that you past every drug test.\u00a0 You went so far as to sue newspapers and (former) friends for claiming otherwise.\u00a0 That takes stones, or, in your case, stone.\u00a0 And, to top it all off, after your 7 Tour de France titles were stricken, you post a picture of yourself lounging in your house under your Tour de France jerseys.\u00a0 FYI, nothing says \u201cI\u2019m the biggest d-bag of all-time\u201d then posing in front of invalidated trophies.<\/p>\n Also let\u2019s not forget your (soon to be defunct) Livestrong Foundation and the millions of cancer patients (including many children) that you defrauded.\u00a0 You, probably more than any other athlete because of your battle with cancer, were a role model.\u00a0 People were touched by your story and wanted to “live strong” because of it.\u00a0 Not only did people look up to you, but people who desperately needed hope to stay alive looked up to you.\u00a0 That has been irretrievably broken.<\/p>\n And, perhaps worst of all, you validated the French.\u00a0 The Machine (and the rest of \u2018Merica) took great pleasure in having a good old boy from the States (a rootin\u2019, shootin\u2019 Texan no less) travel to the land of the cowards time and time again and take home their most coveted trophy.\u00a0 We (and by we I mean the Western Hemisphere) don\u2019t give a shit about cycling.\u00a0 All we know is that the French really like it and thus, we hate it.\u00a0<\/p>\n The Machine\u2019s willing to bet that, in your warped sense of reality, you thought that, because of all the good you did with Livestrong, that that somehow balances out all the lies, and people should be able to separate the two and still think of you like a God.\u00a0 The Machine\u2019s also willing to bet that you\u2019re one of these assholes that, after apologizing for egregious conduct, can\u2019t understand why people won\u2019t move on (\u201cI said I\u2019m sorry what more do you want?\u201d)\u00a0<\/p>\n Yes folks, make no mistake about it.\u00a0 Lance\u2019s \u201capology\u201d is as much of an orchestrated ploy as his doping scheme.\u00a0 Unless you think it was mere coincidence that he chose now to come forward, think about this.\u00a0 The statute of limitations for perjury is 7 years.\u00a0 Care to guess when he testified under oath that he never used drugs?\u00a0 That\u2019s right, 2005.\u00a0 This is (yet another) f-you move on your part.\u00a0\u00a0Flipping the bird to the feds right after the expiration of the statute of limitations, while smart legally, is just another example of your dickishness, and how the only thing you\u2019re really sorry for is getting caught.<\/p>\n Keep a close eye on our boy Lance.\u00a0 He is slowly trying to transform himself into the victim.\u00a0 Next, he\u2019ll give some money back to sponsors (reportedly $5 million, note: it’s easy to give $5 million away when you have over $100 million) plus probably make amends by ratting out to the feds, and becoming a spokesperson against drugs (3-1 odds says he\u2019s out in public wearing a DARE t-shirt by March).\u00a0<\/p>\n Hopefully, we don\u2019t let you off the hook and re-establish yourself as America\u2019s darling (see Ray Lewis).\u00a0 Instead, The Machine hopes you get the Pete Rose treatment.\u00a0 That you\u2019ll be at a table next to the Arc de Triomphe signing autographs during the Tour de France, or in the parking lot outside the Cycling convention (if such a thing exists).\u00a0 You deserve nothing more.<\/p>\n Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.\u00a0\u00a0Hopefully it’s\u00a0the last thing you\u2019ll ever win.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Somewhere along the line, probably in one of those father\/son teaching moments, The Machine was told to never kick a man when they\u2019re down.\u00a0 Considering we spend one article a week completely trashing people for the dumb stuff they do … Continue reading