![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/11\/asmith01.jpg?ssl=1\" "\\"asmith01\\"")
<\/a>Put me in coach<\/p><\/div>\n
A. Smith: <\/strong>[sipping bottled water] Ok Coach, just finished watching the game tape on New Orleans.\u00a0 Doc\u2019s cleared me to play, my head feels good, and I\u2019m ready to go.\u00a0 Can\u2019t wait to get back out there.\u00a0 Just one question:\u00a0 how come I haven\u2019t received the playbook yet?\u00a0 I\u2019m guessing it got misplaced.\u00a0 No big deal, I can get it from you now.<\/p>\n **door flies open**<\/p>\n Hey laaaadies!<\/p><\/div>\n C. Kaepernick:<\/strong> C-Kap is in the house biotch! HOLLA! [slams Redbull] What\u2019s poppin\u2019 coach?! Yo, Andy, what hurt more: the head shot that knocked your silly ass out last week or losing your job this week?! You\u2019ll be needing this [hands Alex a clipboard].<\/p>\n Ball so hard baby, that\u2019s the name of the game!\u00a0 70% completion percentage and 2 TDs against the best defense in the league not named the 49ers.\u00a0 When is the last time you completed 70% of your passes Mr. 59% career passer rating?\u00a0 The scary part is that I didn\u2019t even run, which might be an even bigger asset than my cannon arm.\u00a0 Hell, coach didn\u2019t scale back the gameplan, in fact they expanded<\/em> the playbook to include more deep balls.\u00a0 You\u2019re limited brah, plain and simple.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, Harbaugh inherited you when he was hired; they targeted me and traded 3 draft picks to move up and get me.\u00a0 The future is now!\u00a0 As in crushing the Bears, now!\u00a0 As in doin\u2019 my thang against the Saints, now!\u00a0 As in leading this team to the Superbowl, now!\u00a0 You had you chance last year and we know how that turned out, EPIC FAIL!<\/p>\n Don\u2019t worry brah, you\u2019ve always got that \u201cfirst pick in the draft\u201d and that \u201cone win against the Saints\u201d to hang your hat on.<\/p>\n A. Smith<\/strong>:\u00a0 You can\u2019t be serious?\u00a0 You win one game, and all of a sudden you\u2019re Joe Fucking Montana?\u00a0 That\u2019s adorable.\u00a0 And stop talking like some skater punk\u2026you know you were born in Milwaukee, right BRO!<\/p>\n What you young kids don\u2019t appreciate is respect for the game.\u00a0 The 49ers have a long and storied history of quarterback greatness.\u00a0 Guess who holds the record for fewest ints in a season, most 4th<\/sup> quarter comebacks in a season, and most consecutive pass attempts without an interception?\u00a0 ALEX SMITH!!!\u00a0 And I did all that shit last year, while leading the niners to a 13-3 record and within seconds of the Superbowl.\u00a0 Epic fail my ass\u2026take that bullshit to Kyle \u201chow the fuck is he still on this team\u201d Williams.\u00a0 I did my job.<\/p>\n And now it\u2019s time for you to do your job as my backup.\u00a0 And let me let you in on a little secret.\u00a0 You\u2019ll never make it in this league as a starter.\u00a0 You\u2019re a poor man\u2019s Kordell Stewart.\u00a0 So you can run, too?\u00a0 Wow\u2026that\u2019s impressive.\u00a0 But you know what you young, immature, me first, disrespectful \u201cnew school\u201d players don\u2019t get?\u00a0 Your success is as long as your attention span.\u00a0 Defenses catch up to you quicker than your inevitable child support payments.\u00a0 How\u2019s Tebow doing this year? \u00a0Or how about Cam Newton?<\/p>\n You\u2019re a one hit wonder.\u00a0 You\u2019re the Macarena.\u00a0 Soon people will realize you\u2019re actually dumber than those tattoos make you look.\u00a0 So take your iPod, your love of the X-games and Twitter, and step aside.<\/p>\n C. Kaepernick:<\/strong> Andy, Andy, Andy, calm down.\u00a0 No need for a \u2018get off my lawn\u2019 moment, old man.\u00a0 BTW, you ain\u2019t no where near reaching your pre-concussion \u2018baseline\u2019 if you think you\u2019re part of the 49ers \u201cstoried history of quarterbacks.\u201d\u00a0 Paaalease!\u00a0 The only reason you had any kind of success last year was because Coach Harbaugh was able to squeeze every last ounce humanly possible from you.\u00a0 BTW, we wouldn\u2019t be having this conversation if the niners didn\u2019t fuck up and draft Rodgers instead of your broke ass; or even if Coach landed that even older QB that went to Denver.<\/p>\n Sure, some old school loser coach like Norval would probably trot your noodle arm out there while banging on the \u201cyou can\u2019t lose your job from an injury\u201d drum.\u00a0 But hello, our coach is a fucking maniac and doesn\u2019t give a shit about anything or anyone!\u00a0 He knows this golden arm [flexs] is his meal ticket to the big dance.\u00a0 The question isn\u2019t who the starter is; the real question is on what team and whom are you going to be backing up next year?<\/p>\n Welcome to the Kaepernick Era!\u00a0 I like the sounds of that; that will make some good ink!\u00a0 Are we done here, I\u2019ve got a Black Ops mission on pause.\u00a0 Peace!!<\/p>\n A. Smith <\/strong>[doing the Macarena]:\u00a0 I can’t believe I have to go through this shit again.\u00a0 First,\u00a0Shaun Hill tried to start a quarterback controversy in ’09.\u00a0 How’s he doing this year, btw?\u00a0 What UFL team is he playing for?\u00a0 Then, Peyton Manning.\u00a0\u00a0Now you?\u00a0 And\u00a0Aaron Rodgers, you mean the Aaron Rodgers I schooled in Week 1 this year (211\/2\/0).\u00a0 Discount Double-check, bitch.\u00a0 Point is, me and my newly signed $24 million contract aren’t going anywhere.\u00a0 HEEEEYYY, MACARENA!!!<\/p>\n ************************************************************************************************************<\/p>\n Well, there you have it!!\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t get anymore exclusive than that!\u00a0 So how do you handicap this horse race? We’ll put this\u00a0Teabag Award on hold (in a remote, secure location) until this plays itself out!\u00a0 Stay tuned.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This weeks\u2019 Tuesday Teabag is up for grabs.\u00a0 There\u2019s currently a quarterback controversy brewing in Brokeback Mountain, as the 49ers decide between Alex \u201cGame Manager\u201d Smith and the young gun, Colin “Captain Hip”\u00a0Kaepernick.\u00a0 Who will win the starting job and … Continue reading <\/a>