{"id":1743,"date":"2014-09-16T22:53:28","date_gmt":"2014-09-17T02:53:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1743"},"modified":"2014-09-17T08:41:19","modified_gmt":"2014-09-17T12:41:19","slug":"tuesday-teabag-september-16-2014-derek-jeter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1743","title":{"rendered":"Tuesday Teabag, September 16, 2014 – Derek Jeter"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"I'm<\/a>

I’m so pretty. Worship me.<\/p><\/div>\n

There certainly are a lot of teabags to dole out.\u00a0 From Ray Rice, to Roger Goodell (does anyone really believe the NFL didn\u2019t have that video?) to Adrian Peterson.\u00a0 But domestic violence and child abuse are a bit much for us.\u00a0 Our comfort zone consists primarily of making fun of Tony Romo, cat gifs, and Kate Upton nip slips.<\/p>\n

\"Cat<\/a><\/p>\n

\"Cat<\/a><\/p>\n

So instead, we\u2019ll focus on something that\u2019s been bothering us all year.\u00a0 And now we\u2019ve finally had enough.<\/p>\n

Derek Sanderson Jeter.\u00a0 You may have heard that he\u2019s retiring this year.\u00a0 And by \u201cmay have heard\u201d, I mean it\u2019s a constant parade of immortalization.\u00a0 Puh-lease.\u00a0 Look, we get it.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great player and certainly deserves recognition for his contribution to the game.\u00a0 We\u2019re ok with the Yankees having Derek Jeter Day, Derek Jeter Week, or Derek Jeter Month.\u00a0 But for Christ sake, enough already.\u00a0 It\u2019s absurd that opposing teams are honoring Jeter.\u00a0 In fact, here are some of the gifts he\u2019s received from other teams (full list is here<\/a>):<\/p>\n

\"Surf's<\/a>

Surf’s up, brah.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"You'll<\/a>

You’ll be shot on site if you actually wear these in Texas.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Awkward.\"<\/a>

Awkward.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"This<\/a>

This looks comfy.<\/p><\/div>\n

We\u2019re hoping some team gives him a storage unit to put all this useless shit in.\u00a0 Seriously, a fucking bat bench???\u00a0 He can relax in that after paddle boarding in his cowboy boots.\u00a0 Why are these teams complicit in the Jeter rub-and-tug fest?\u00a0 We\u2019re guessing it has something to do with ticket sales.\u00a0 How else are you going to sell out an Indians game unless you promote it as Jeter\u2019s last game in Cleveland?<\/p>\n

More to the point, we\u2019re annoyed that Jeter has somehow turned into the greatest baseball players of all-time.\u00a0 In order to receive the city-by-city award show, you better be the Michael-fucking-Jordan of your sport.\u00a0 And sorry Yankee fans, but he\u2019s not.\u00a0 He\u2019s not even close when considering all players\u2026coming in 33rd<\/sup> on ESPN\u2019s Top 100 players<\/a> of all time.\u00a0 Shit, he\u2019s not even the best player on his team\u2026A-Rod\u2019s 19th<\/sup>.\u00a0 He\u2019s a little better when considering just shortstops, but still not the greatest.\u00a0 Take a look:<\/p>\n

\"Jeter<\/a><\/p>\n

Jeter leads all shortstops in hits, runs, and strikeouts, and he\u2019s anywhere from 3rd<\/sup> to 46th<\/sup> in other categories.\u00a0 Sorry, but that doesn\u2019t get you the ego-stroking, masturbatory nationwide celebration.\u00a0 His stats (and World Series victories) will get him into the Hall of Fame and Yankee Monument Park no doubt, but he\u2019s not the greatest shortstop of all-time.<\/p>\n

But Ginger King, you say, you were totally cool with the over-the-top celebrations for Mariano Rivera last year…why the change of heart, Mr. Grinch?\u00a0 It\u2019s true:\u00a0 our heart gets smaller every year (the 12 pack\u2026err\u20267 pack of Coors Light Mrs. Machine received for Christmas is proof) but that\u2019s not why.\u00a0 The reason The Machine has no problem with the Mariano Rivera world tour is simple:\u00a0 who\u2019s the greatest closer of all-time?\u00a0 Answer:\u00a0 Mariano Rivera.\u00a0 Bar none.\u00a0 You cannot say the same thing about Derek Jeter.<\/p>\n

Proof positive of that is that the Captain \u2013statistically speaking\u2014is having one of the worst seasons in his career.\u00a0 He\u2019s at career lows in several categories, including runs, hits, RBI, and stolen bases.\u00a0 Not exactly what you want for a guy hitting second in the lineup.\u00a0 And the kicker is that the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt.\u00a0 They\u2019re only 5 games out of the wildcard with 2 weeks left to play.\u00a0 Normally, when your star player is in a career<\/span> slump, the manager will move them down in the lineup, to put the team in the best position to win and to (hopefully) get him out of the slump.\u00a0 Seems like a no-brainer\u2026but not Jeter, because, as noted by the Daily News, moving him<\/a> in the lineup \u201ccould embarrass the star.\u201d\u00a0 Jeter should take it upon himself to tell Girardi to move him down.\u00a0 That\u2019s what real Captains do.\u00a0 They put the team ahead of themselves.\u00a0 But then the Jeter star wouldn\u2019t shine so bright.<\/p>\n

But please, let\u2019s not feel sorry for Derek.\u00a0 He\u2019s going from playing baseball, being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels\u2026to being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels. \u00a0Oh yeah, and living in this house.<\/p>\n

\"Yeah,<\/a>

Yeah, retirement’s going to suck.<\/p><\/div>\n

Forgive me if I don\u2019t get all choked up.<\/p>\n

Enjoy your teabag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There certainly are a lot of teabags to dole out.\u00a0 From Ray Rice, to Roger Goodell (does anyone really believe the NFL didn\u2019t have that video?) to Adrian Peterson.\u00a0 But domestic violence and child abuse are a bit much for … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1743","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tuesday-teabag"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2Bp3y-s7","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1743"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1756,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743\/revisions\/1756"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1743"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1743"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1743"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}