{"id":1666,"date":"2014-08-12T10:26:31","date_gmt":"2014-08-12T14:26:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1666"},"modified":"2014-08-12T11:15:14","modified_gmt":"2014-08-12T15:15:14","slug":"tuesday-teabag-august-12-2014-jon-bon-jovi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1666","title":{"rendered":"Tuesday Teabag, August 12, 2014 – Jon Bon Jovi"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Not<\/a>

Not the recommended way to endear yourself to the Buffalo fanbase.<\/p><\/div>\n

This is, by far, the most difficult Teabag The Machine\u2019s ever written.\u00a0 You can say that we\u2019re at a Crossroad (note: this is the first of several, mostly unfunny, puns).\u00a0 Normally, writing Teabags is a healthy, creative outlet for The Machine.\u00a0 We get to expose cry baby<\/a> millionaire athletes, petulant<\/a> billionaire owners, jackass sports journalists<\/a>, and anyone else<\/a> that gets in our crosshairs.\u00a0 Consider it our small comeuppance against the man.\u00a0 You can say that writing Teabags is our Bed of Roses.<\/p>\n

So why is this one so difficult?\u00a0 Because now it\u2019s personal.\u00a0 Because now we have to, for the first time ever, confront our love of 80\u2019s music and sports.\u00a0 Yes, as much as it pains us to write this, our Tuesday Teabag goes to Jon Bon Jovi.\u00a0 This is the hardest thing we\u2019ve ever done, Besides Watching Childbirth (working title for next Jovi song).<\/p>\n

Our whole life, The Machine has idolized\u2026immortalized, Jon Bon Jovi.\u00a0 He\u2019s the answer to life\u2019s most important questions.\u00a0 Go to karaoke song?\u00a0 Livin\u2019 on a Prayer.\u00a0 Need to play air piano?\u00a0 Runaway.\u00a0 A little boom-boom music for you and the Mrs.?\u00a0 Never Say Goodbye.\u00a0 Want to walk through your neighborhood like a badass?\u00a0 Crank some Wanted Dead or Alive and giddy-up motherfucker.\u00a0 But all that ends today.<\/p>\n

You see, Bon Jovi is one of the people interested in purchasing the Buffalo Bills.\u00a0 At first glance, this sounds awesome\u2026Tommy and Gina were destined to settle down in Upstate New York.\u00a0 And Jovi has some sports ownership cred; he owned the Philadelphia Soul<\/a> and won the Arena Bowl in 2008.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, Buffalo (the City, the football team, the animal) could use a little star power, and who better than an A-lister like JBJ to bring some attention back to Western New York?<\/p>\n

\"Trade<\/a>

Trade in that stars and stripes denim for a maple leaf…<\/p><\/div>\n

But therein lies the problem.\u00a0 You see, Bon Jovi wants to buy the Bills\u2026and then rip them out of Orchard Park<\/span> Buffalo and move them to glitzy Toronto.\u00a0 Need proof?\u00a0 Bon Jovi is the face of one of the groups bidding the buy the Bills.\u00a0 His partners are Toronto millionaires Larry Tannenbaum and the Rogers family.\u00a0 Larry is the Chairman of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, which owns the Maple Leafs and Raptors, and the Rogers family is the Rogers of Rogers Communications, which owns the Blue Jays.\u00a0 Basically, you couldn\u2019t send a stronger signal that you want to move the team to Toronto, unless the Labatts Blue Bear became part owner.<\/p>\n

\"JBJ<\/a>

JBJ let’s do this!<\/p><\/div>\n

Need more proof?\u00a0 Team Jovi is already investigating sites in Canada<\/a> that would be suitable for an NFL stadium.\u00a0 Miraculously, they are one of the final groups<\/a> in the running to buy the Bills, along with the likes of Donald Trump, Tom Golisano, and (our personal fav) Terry Pegula.<\/p>\n

We say miraculous because these hosers shouldn\u2019t even be in the running.\u00a0 Thanks to the late Ralph Wilson, the Bills and Ralph\u2019s estate are prohibited<\/a> from negotiating with any group that, to their knowledge, has an intention of relocating the team prior to the end of the lease term (2022).\u00a0 Given that this group is actively looking at sites in Canada to build a stadium, isn\u2019t that knowledge?\u00a0 If not, we know the front office reads The Machine, so consider the knowledge dropped.<\/p>\n

Anyway, back to Bon Jovi.\u00a0 He recently wrote a letter<\/a> that was a calculated PR move<\/span> published in the Buffalo News explaining why he wants to own the Bills.\u00a0 Noticeably absent from his letter is an express statement that he will not move the team.\u00a0 Instead, it\u2019s filled with ambiguous doublespeak\u2026like he knows \u201chow much the Bills mean to the people of this region.\u201d\u00a0 Seriously, who uses the phrase \u201cthe people of this region?\u201d\u00a0 I know who:\u00a0 Canadians.\u00a0 Also absent from his letter was explaining who his other partners are, instead just blandly referring them as \u201cthe ownership group of which I am a part.\u201d\u00a0 Does that sound like Rock star language to you?\u00a0 Does that sound like the guy who wrote \u201cshout though the heart, and you\u2019re to blame, darlin\u2019 you give love a bad name\u201d [cue air guitar]<\/p>\n

No, Bon Jovi is nothing more than a puppet for these Canadian war mongers.\u00a0 Thankfully, the good people of Buffalo aren\u2019t falling for it.\u00a0 All over Buffalo, Bon Jovi-free zones<\/a> have popped up, radio stations and bars prohibit Jovi from being played, and grassroots groups like the Bills Fan Thunder<\/a> have formed.\u00a0 And this local effort is gaining some momentum\u2026and star power of its own.\u00a0 Andre Reed<\/a> said it best: \u00a0\u201cMan, fuck Bon Jovi!\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Wanted<\/a>

Wanted Dead or Alive? Nope, just dead.<\/p><\/div>\n

Moving the Bills would be crushing \u2026it would seriously give the people of Buffalo no more reason to live.\u00a0 Talk about down on your luck, it would be like losing 4 straight Super Bowls and having your most famous player in prison and widely believed to have committed double homicide.\u00a0 Wait, never mind.<\/p>\n

And, to top it all off, we\u2019d get played by a bunch of Canadians.\u00a0 Do you know the last time Canada beat the US in something?\u00a0 Answer:\u00a0 never.\u00a0 When they win in hockey or curling, it\u2019s because we don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

Sorry Jovi, but we\u2019re not falling for your rugged good looks, thick hair, and tight denim.\u00a0 Not this time, anyway.\u00a0 Your letter was a pathetic attempt to win some local support, and was filled with bullshit legalese and reeked of Molson XXX.\u00a0 It was as fake and insincere as you could get.\u00a0 Christ, Donald Trump looks more honest than you right now.<\/p>\n

\"Don't<\/a>

Don’t let that gorgeous smile fool you.<\/p><\/div>\n

Let\u2019s call it like it is:\u00a0 you\u2019re trying to buy the Bills and move the last remaining vestige of relevancy out of Upstate New York.\u00a0 That\u2019s some Bad Medicine we\u2019re just not gonna take.\u00a0 Besides, if the Bills leave, what are these guys going to do on Sundays:<\/p>\n