{"id":1592,"date":"2014-06-17T09:47:47","date_gmt":"2014-06-17T13:47:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1592"},"modified":"2015-09-13T11:06:34","modified_gmt":"2015-09-13T15:06:34","slug":"tuesday-teabag-june-17-2014-world-cup","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1592","title":{"rendered":"Tuesday Teabag, June 17, 2014 – World Cup"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Do<\/a>

Do you even know what FIFA stands for?<\/p><\/div>\n

Of course The Machine\u2019s going to teabag the World Cup.\u00a0 We\u2019re Americans, which means, besides being awesome all the time, we hate soccer.\u00a0 We have to.\u00a0 It\u2019s in our blood.\u00a0 By age 14, every American is programmed to hate soccer.\u00a0 The losers<\/span> people who slip through either (a) got cut from the football team, or (b) are part French.<\/p>\n

The real question is why do we hate soccer?\u00a0 Soccer is the world\u2019s most popular sport\u2026literally, the entire world loves soccer except us.\u00a0 The players are god-like, and are known in every living room from Argentina to Zimbabwe\u2026yet Lionel Messi<\/span> could walk anywhere in the U.S. and we\u2019d say, \u201cwho\u2019s the weird Mexican-looking dude in Umbros<\/span>?\u201d\u00a0 Rounding out their rock star image, are their rock-star quality WAGs<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\"Hubba,<\/a>

Hubba, hubba.<\/p><\/div>\n

Even more puzzling\u2026every kid in America grows up playing soccer.\u00a0 It\u2019s the first team sport we play, before baseball and football.\u00a0 So why, then, if we start out playing and loving soccer, and if soccer players are international superstars, do we look down on it for the rest of our lives?\u00a0 Well, here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s boring<\/strong><\/p>\n

We loved soccer when we were 6 for the same reason we ate Play-dough and boogers<\/span>:\u00a0 we didn\u2019t know any better.\u00a0 It was fun to run around and kick shit\u2026but when we got older and sat down to watch a game, holy shit is this sport lame.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s 90 minutes long (plus stoppage time) and you\u2019re lucky to see two goals.\u00a0 Two!!!\u00a0 A 2-1 game is considered a high scoring affair.\u00a0 Sorry, but our fickle American minds need action.\u00a0 We need three-pointers, home runs, and deep post routes\u2026not quick bursts of action followed by extremely long periods of inactivity.\u00a0 Sounds like Roid<\/span> Rage\u2019s sex life (boom!).<\/p>\n

Case in point:\u00a0 In the US\/Ghana game on Monday, the US scored in the first minute of the game.\u00a0 Ok, there\u2019s some instant action. \u00a0Maybe we were wrong. \u00a0Maybe it is exciting to watch.\u00a0 Eighty-one minutes later, the next goal was scored.\u00a0 Yes, more than one hour elapsed until the next goal was scored.\u00a0 Sorry, but that\u2019s a lot of time of playing keep away.<\/p>\n

You can tie<\/strong><\/p>\n

Huh?\u00a0 Wait, you mean you can play an entire game and no one wins?\u00a0 Sorry, but this is \u2018Murica\u2026we don\u2019t play for participation trophies.\u00a0 We play to win.\u00a0 Ending a game in a 0-0 tie does not compute.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re not good<\/strong><\/p>\n

When\u2019s the last time the US Men\u2019s team won the World Cup?\u00a0 Never.\u00a0 The closest they got was third place (in 1930).\u00a0 Shit, we didn\u2019t even qualify for the World Cup for a remarkable 32 consecutive years (from 1954-1986).\u00a0 What about Olympic medals?\u00a0 None. \u00a0Wait, not even a fucking bronze???<\/p>\n

Simply put, we\u2019re not good at it (at least the Men), the rest of the world is far superior, and we are seen as the laughing-stock.\u00a0 So, instead of hunkering down and showing that American Rocky IV-esque<\/span> resolve to do better and beat the Russians\u2026we\u2019ll just take our ball and go home.\u00a0 Instead, we\u2019ll call our sport football (and spell it totally different) and we\u2019ll give our trophies World names, like the World Series and World Champions (a\/k\/a Super Bowl Champions).\u00a0 See, we are the best in the world (at sports we don\u2019t let the rest of the world play).<\/p>\n

US Women are better than the Men [put your chauvinist hat on]<\/strong><\/p>\n

The US Women\u2019s soccer team is not just better than the Men\u2019s, but they\u2019re a lot better.\u00a0 The US Women have consistently dominated the sport, winning the World Cup in \u201999, and winning the Gold Medal in 4 of the past 5 Olympics.\u00a0 Everybody knows names like Mia Hamm, Brandie Chastain, Hope Solo, and Amy Wambach\u2026try naming 4 people on the men\u2019s team.<\/p>\n

\"Best.<\/a>

Best. Post-goal celebration. Ever.<\/p><\/div>\n

So is that really a reason American don\u2019t embrace soccer?\u00a0 Maybe\u2026the most popular sports in America are NASCAR, which has one (1) female participant, and football, which\u2014unless you count sideline reporters\u2014has none.\u00a0 Our male-dominated, Type A, beer chugging society simply won\u2019t accept a sport where the women are better than the men.\u00a0 It\u2019s why tennis suffers here too.<\/p>\n

No commercials [put your corporate conspiracy theory hat on]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hear us out here for a minute.\u00a0 The Machine thinks a big reason\u2014perhaps the biggest reason\u2014we as a society are turned off to soccer is because we\u2019ve been programmed by corporate America to dislike it.\u00a0 Soccer is not a made for TV sport.\u00a0 It\u2019s two 45 minutes halves of running time.\u00a0 No timeouts<\/span>, no mandatory commercial breaks for a word from our sponsors.\u00a0 Yes, the lack of TV appeal has killed soccer, and will prevent it from ever becoming popular here.<\/p>\n

Why do you think, in a college basketball game, which is only two 20 minute halves, each team has 5 timeouts<\/span>, plus there are mandatory timeouts<\/span> every four minutes, adding another 4 TOs per half.\u00a0 That\u2019s a total of 14 timeouts<\/span>.\u00a0 What about football.\u00a0 Touchdown (commercial break), kickoff (commercial break)\u2026there are plenty of opportunities for Budweiser and Ford to hack their (not made in the USA) products.\u00a0 Baseball\u2019s the same way.\u00a0 Not so in soccer.<\/p>\n

In soccer, sponsors are relegated to populating billboards around the field, and putting stickers on the glass thing on the sidelines.\u00a0 Sorry, but doesn\u2019t fly in the corporate boardroom.\u00a0 They want ad time and commercials in primetime\u2026not stickers.\u00a0 Because of the lack of TV appeal, corporate America hasn\u2019t fully embraced it (think oil companies funding alternative energy development) and therefore they won\u2019t let us like it.<\/p>\n

\"DON'T<\/a>

DON’T BLOCK THE BUDWEISER<\/span> LOGO!!!<\/p><\/div>\n

What does that say about our society that we are controlled and manipulated by corporations and their whorish<\/span> need to advertise?\u00a0 Not much, but it\u2019s true.\u00a0 Don\u2019t believe us?\u00a0 Think for a minute why your kid wants (no,\u00a0NEEDS!) to go to Disney, when they would get just as much satisfaction from the county fair.\u00a0 And think for a minute why you NEED\u00a0to take them there.<\/p>\n

Despite all these reasons, why then, does The Machine have a strange sense of pride, patriotism, and sudden interest in the World Cup?\u00a0 After watching the men beat Ghana last night, The Machine is now all about Team America.\u00a0 We\u2019ve hung our (not made in the USA) American flag outside our house, ate an enormous amount of bacon, and taught our children the real American anthem:<\/p>\n