{"id":1081,"date":"2013-09-24T21:51:16","date_gmt":"2013-09-25T01:51:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1081"},"modified":"2013-09-25T08:37:40","modified_gmt":"2013-09-25T12:37:40","slug":"tuesday-teabag-september-24-2013-jacoby-jones","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bigredsportsmachine.com\/?p=1081","title":{"rendered":"Tuesday Teabag, September 24, 2013 – Jacoby Jones"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"This<\/a>

Jacoby’s\u00a0“about to get hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper” face.<\/p><\/div>\n

Now that football\u2019s back in full swing, it\u2019s really hard to find a non-football related teabag.\u00a0 There are a lot of stupid people in the NFL.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get us wrong:\u00a0 if The Machine had unlimited amounts of money, power, and fame, we\u2019d do a ton of stupid shit (our life would be somewhere between Jackass and Billy Madison).\u00a0 Until then, we\u2019re always on the lookout for the biggest and baddest teabags, and while we scour all sports-related issues, we really need go no further than the NFL.\u00a0<\/p>\n

This week, there were several NFL Teabags to go around.\u00a0 Honorable Mention Teabags (\u201cHMTs\u201d) go to Von Miller for trying to circumvent the NFL drug testing policy by submitting someone else\u2019s urine<\/a>.\u00a0 One small problem: the specimen was submitted from a different City then where Von was\u2026sort of dead giveaway it\u2019s not your pee.\u00a0 Come on Von, just order one of these<\/a>.\u00a0 Also, Aldon\u00a0Smith of the Niners gets a shout out for his (second) DUI arrest<\/a>, this on the heels of getting stabbed at his own party and (allegedly) shooting someone at his own party (separate parties, btw).\u00a0 But Jacoby Jones has them all beat\u2026he may have helped the Ravens win the Super Bowl last year, but he’ll now be remembered for something totally different.<\/p>\n

Now, who hasn\u2019t gotten hit over the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper?\u00a0 Am I right, fellas?\u00a0 That\u2019s what happened over the weekend to Jacoby Jones, (now) The Machine\u2019s favorite NFL player.\u00a0 Jacoby was at Bryant McKinnie\u2019s b-day party (yes, that Bryant McKinnie, a\/k\/a The Machine\u2019s second favorite NFL player) on a limo bus full of strippers, when he was hit in the head with a bottle of champagne by a stripper named Sweet Pea.\u00a0 There are so many incredible parts to this story, I don\u2019t know where to begin.\u00a0 Let\u2019s break it down.<\/p>\n

1. Mobile Strip Club<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Best.<\/a>

Best. Idea. Ever.<\/p><\/div>\n

You know the most annoying part of going to a strip club is being surrounded by meatheads\u00a0and drunk 40-something divorcees.\u00a0 Plus, you have to drive there (gross).\u00a0 Not anymore.\u00a0 Now, you can actually motorboat on the highway, and get twerked at a rest stop.\u00a0 Fucking genius.<\/p>\n

2. Bryant McKinnie was involved<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"You<\/a>

You can find Bryant in one of two places: on the field…<\/p><\/div>\n

The Machine knows two things about Bryant McKinnie:\u00a0 he plays football and he LOVES strippers.\u00a0 Bryant was the Captain of the infamous \u201cLoveboat\u201d as a member of the Vikings back in 2005, and you can tell he\u2019s learned a lot from that incident.\u00a0 The stories from that little shin dig are epic<\/a>.\u00a0 But Bryant learned his lesson, and that lesson was:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

NFL players + strippers + boat = trouble,<\/p>\n

however,<\/p>\n

NFL players + strippers + bus = enjoyable Sunday evening.\u00a0 (Note:\u00a0 guaranteed this equation was on Bryant\u2019s Intro to Math final at The U).\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"or<\/a>

or in the club!<\/p><\/div>\n

Forget Hard Knocks.\u00a0 The Machine wants McKinnie Cam!\u00a0 We\u2019d pay top dollar to get an inside look at this dude\u2019s life.\u00a0<\/p>\n

3. A Stripper Named Sweet Pea<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prior to this weekend, there were three categories of stripper names:\u00a0 spices, jewels, and cars.\u00a0 The Machine fondly remembers helping Cinnamon, Sapphire, and Mercedes save for dental school.\u00a0 But now, The Machine has another category:\u00a0 flowers.\u00a0 Flowers are no longer just things your grandma plants or you pee on in the backyard at night.\u00a0 They\u2019ve been elevated to stripper status.\u00a0 [cue sleezy stripper DJ Voice]:\u00a0 \u201cAlright, alright, gentlemen, we got 2 for 1 well drinks goin\u2019 on all night, but right now, put your hands together for Sweet Pea and Rhododendron!\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Ace of Spades<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Comes<\/a>

Comes in two sizes: Regular and Scourned Stripper.<\/p><\/div>\n

What really completes this story is Jacoby getting beaned upside the head with a bottle of champagne.\u00a0 And not just any bottle of champagne\u2026we\u2019re talking about the Ace of Spades, which (if you\u2019re not familiar) comes in a big ass bottle.\u00a0 Lord knows where that bottle was prior to it being used as a baseball bat.\u00a0<\/p>\n

This is a plea to all public address announcers at NFL stadiums:\u00a0 Please, please please, when Jacoby is being introduced, or makes a catch.\u00a0 Shit, whenever you see him on the sidelines, play this song:<\/p>\n