Tuesday Teabag, July 2, 2013 – Aaron Hernandez

Hernandez-ing is way cooler than Tebowing

Hernandez-ing is way cooler than Tebowing

You knew this was coming.  Like driving by a car accident, it’s horrible yet you can’t help but look.  We knew this was tea-baggable weeks ago, before any of the facts were revealed.  So many questions are racing through your mind.  How?  Why?  Didn’t he just sign a $40 Million Dollar contract?  But if you’re like The Machine, the one question that keeps coming back to you is:

There are gangs in Bristol, Connecticut?

Really?

The Machine’s been to Connecticut plenty of times.  It’s one big affluent suburb, complete with spoiled kids who think they’re cool (and from NYC).  They’re hip, right now they are probably listening to dubstep or rap (but only the popular songs).  “Can I get a….”  The tint on the windows of their Saab 9-5 is not legal.  They all go to a snobby, private liberal arts college (Middlebury), the men have at least two pairs of capri pants, and the women judge you based on which boarding school you went to.  And everyone pretends Hartford doesn’t exist. 

But Thuglife?  In Connecticut?  Have the Crips taken over Greenwich Village?  And Bristol of all places.  Home of ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports.  The Machine thought the worst thing that happens in Bristol is the Rick Reilly poetry slam at Starbucks.

Anyway, back to Hernandez.  We know he’s innocent until proven guilty (just kidding, he did that shit).  But doing the crime doesn’t automatically result in doing the time (right, Juice?).  Eventually though, you’ll probably end up in jail (right, Juice?).  FYI, the prosecution better come up with a better motive than “he talked to the wrong people three days ago” or else Aaron stands a chance of walking a free man. 

Regardless of the outcome of the trial, Hernandez deserves everything coming to him, including his release by the Pats and the (re)digging into his past.  The guy’s a scumbag, plain and simple.  There were character issues coming out of college, that’s why he slipped from the first round to the fourth.  You thought he turned a corner with his recent comments about becoming a father and signing his new contract for a boatload of cash.  But Biggie was right:  Mo’ money, mo’ problems. 

Aaron clearly has never watched a Law and Order SVU marathon, for if he did, he’d know that destroying your security tapes and cellphone doesn’t really destroy it, and that dumping a body a mile from your house doesn’t really throw the scent off.  Anyone else find it ironic that his own security cameras are being used against him?

Proving again that you can't trust people with neck tats (close enough).

Proving again that you can’t trust people with neck tats (close enough).

And while Aaron is absolutely worthy of a teabag, the media’s circus is also worthy.  Jason Whitlock argues the Patriots should have known Aaron was capable of murder.  Saying the Patriots should have known he was going to kill someone because of his character issues in college is completely asinine.  Prior to last week, he’d never been arrested, and his character issues included smoking week and getting kicked out of bars (if that’s the case 99% of all college students are going to kill someone).  No, you cannot extrapolate what happened two weeks ago from his past. 

And let’s get another thing straight too:  The NFL does not have a gun problem.  Gangs have a gun problem, but not the NFL.  Because one player was (allegedly) in a gang and (allegedly, albeit probably) killed someone, doesn’t and shouldn’t cast a cloud on the entire league.  If that’s the case, all teachers sleep with their students, all financial investors run Ponzi schemes, and all strippers have daddy issues (ok so 2 out of 3 ain’t bad).

Point is:  there are assholes in every profession.  There are crooked cops, dirty politicians, and drug dealing stay at home moms.  Why should professional athletes be any different? 

What people need to accept is that being a professional athlete is just like any other profession.  Just because they are well paid doesn’t put them above a DWI or fighting a bouncer at a strip club, or the occasional lapse in child support payments.  It makes them incredibly stupid (and tea-baggable), as the risks they take in engaging in that behavior is magnified given their public persona. 

But Machine, you say, 27 players have been arrested since the Super Bowl.  Doesn’t that mean the NFL is out of control?  No, what that means is things are improving.  As our good friends at Deadspin point out, the rate of criminal activity in the NFL has sharply decreased.  In 2006, 68 players were arrested.  Since then, crime has dropped nearly 40%, and only 2.8% of NFL players commit crimes (compared with 10.8% of all males age 22-34).

Not by coincidence, but 2006 is the year Roger Goodell took over as league Commissioner.  Player conduct has been one of his main goals, and thus far he has succeeded.  People complain that he’s too heavy-handed and dictatorial in meriting out punishment, but it’s working.  Sure, there are always going to be people who don’t get it (see Aaron Hernandez, Josh Brent, Titus Young, and Pacman Jones) and never will.  But the average NFL player is a good dude, despite what the media will have you believe.

When Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning start throwing up gang signs, then the NFL has a gun problem.  Until then, some DUIs, bar fights, and a selfie of a wannabe college thug holding a gun and being charged with murder isn’t enough to discredit the entire league, and certainly isn’t enough to discredit the work that RGI has done in cleaning up the league. 

What’s mind-blowing to most people is that there is any crime by professional athletes.  It’s true, these guys are rich, young, and successful; are glorified by the cities they play in (except Mark Sanchez), their alma maters, and their hometowns.  They have the world by the balls.  What could possibly lead them to commit a crime?  But that’s a question for Outside the Lines (you feeling us Bob Lee, get us on your show).

But let’s bring it back to the man of the hour.  We’re not sure Aaron gets out of this one (the circumstantial evidence is strong).  If not murder, he’ll get convicted of a lesser charge.  Either way:  he’s doing time, and he destroyed what was a promising career. 

We hope in your one hour of free time a day you’re able to log on to The Machine. 

Enjoy your teabag.

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