Sorry Bob Costas, but try as you might, that opening ceremony was uninspiring, weird, and boring as shit, which pretty much sums up the Brits.  Even though the Queen had a cameo role with James Bond, who is pretty badass (the Machine is fond of fictional Brits), her Royal Sourpuss never cracked a smile, and looked about as enthused as a colonoscopy patient.  Sorry Queenie, you’re showcasing your country to the world, you’re supposed to put on a smile and show the global community the cultural depth of your society.  Instead, we get an opening ceremony prominently featured with Mr. Bean.  Seriously, Mr. Freaking Bean.  We would’ve accepted Bennie Hill chasing around a sexy nurse in a golf cart.  How about some Monty Python?  A hologram Freddy Mercury?  Hell, we’ll even take the Spice Girls.  But no, we get a continuous dribble of dull, dry, and unexciting British pomp and circumstance (filthy wankers).

And don’t even get the Machine started with that lame-ass torch lighting (don’t worry Barcelona, your place in history as the Greatest.  Torch Lighting Ceremony.  Ever. is still firmly in tact).  Clearly, the IOC didn’t bother to read any of the Machine’s letters with our numerous torch lighting suggestions.  We’ll share two with you (the others have already been forwarded to Rio).

1.  Iron Maiden.  With Number of the Beast blaring, Bruce Dickenson walks into Olympic Stadium with his guitar on fire!  The field opens up, and Eddie emerges!!! Bruce throws the guitar at Eddie, who bursts into flames, and boom, EDDIE’S THE TORCH, everyone in the world community are now huge Maiden fans, and all children under the age of 10 in are scared shitless.

2.  Pippa.  What better way to light the torch than with Pippa? (honestly, the Amy Winehouse crack pipe would’ve been a huge hit…but someone had to go and ruin that one).  Anyway, picture this:  Pippa goes all Katniss Everdeen, and waltzes into Olympic Stadium with her dress on fire!  Pippa jumps into the ring of fire, sets the torch ablaze, rips off her clothes and proclaims her love for the Machine (ok, that last part may have been mixed up with a reoccuring dream of the Machine).

Point is:  mix it up a little Britain.  Trade in your tea and crumpets for a Vodka/Red Bull and let’s get the party started.  And come on, we’re your friends America.  We got your back.  In fact, we’ll send over our finest ambassadors to make sure the party never ends (paging Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan).