Tuesday Teabag, June 18, 2013 – Lolo Jones

lolo

Look at me I’m pretty…good at not winning Olympic medals.

The Machine’s back with a fully loaded Tuesday Teabag.  So many newsworthy stories.  HMTs (Honorable Mention Teabags) go to Phil Mickleson for ripping our hearts out and ruining our Father’s Day (again).  FYI, The Machine LOVES Lefty, and we’ll always pull for him.  Also, Aaron Hernandez.  The Machine’s not quite sure exactly what happened, but there’s a dead body near his house and the po-po in his driveway.  Not the best offseason for him.  Stay tuned.

But this weeks’ Tuesday Teabag goes to Lolo Jones.  We thought Lolo used her 15 minutes of fame with her two (failed) Olympics and constant talk of her virginity and Christian values, all the while posing seductively for the camera.  But apparently, she didn’t get the memo.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with Lolo, click here.  She’s an Olympic hurdler and sprinter, and has made a lot of money in endorsements, whose company logos are prominently displayed on her website.  However, one little problem:  she’s not really good.  Although favored to win in both the Beijing and London Olympics, she failed to win a medal, yet still dominated the headlines with her uncanny ability to make everyone look at her all the time.  Did I mention she’s hot?  This angered other members of the U.S. Women’s Track and Field Team, who actually did win medals yet were overshadowed by Lolo and her antics. 

In her latest effort to reinvent (read: draw attention) to herself, Lolo decided to try her hand in the Winter Olympics by becoming a member of the U.S. Women’s Bobsled Team.  Fine.  She’s obviously a talented athlete, and if you she can make the team, more power to her.  However, Lolo’s problem is that it’s never about the sport.  It’s all about her.  She’s the J-lo of women’s athletics.  But that’s not really fair to J-lo…even J-lo had some hits (we loved her in Maid in Manhattan).  Lolo is just a (very) attractive athlete and, in the world of sports, especially women’s sports, beauty trumps talent.

So how was her Diva approach to sports going to work in a sport whose athletes are nameless and humble?  Exactly like you thought it would.  On Monday, Lolo dipped into her bag of “look at me” tricks and tweeted a video showing her paycheck from the U.S. Bobsled Team for $741.86.  “Seven months with bobsled season.  The whole season.  That’s it.” she bemoans, adding, “I’m going to be a little late on my rent this month.”

Clearly, no one’s getting rich by bobsledding.  We think the average bobsledder actually works at Home Depot.  They are nameless athletes that have little to no endorsements, and train non-stop for a chance every four years to make the Olympics.  No, a sport like bobsledding, people do it for the love of the sport.  Except if you’re Lolo.  Then you do it for the love of yourself. 

Not surprisingly, Lolo’s insulting comments were not well received by her bobsledding companions.  “It wasn’t taken very well,” Steve Holcomb (the MJ of U.S Bobsledding) understatedly said to USA Today. “People were really kind of insulted. You just made $741, more than most athletes in the sport. So what are you complaining about?”

Exactly.  What is she complaining about?  It’s simple.  In track and field, she gets all the

Chastity belt not securely fastened here.

Chastity belt not securely fastened here.

attention and multi-million dollar endorsements, even if she doesn’t perform well at the Olympics.  She dominates the headlines, and loves to stoke the fire by (tastefully) poseing nude while telling the world how proud she is to be a virgin and a Christian.  She’s as annoying about this as Tim Tebow.  Actually, she’s a lot like Tebow.

So, imagine her horror when she announces her bobsledding plan and it’s met with crickets.  No one cares.  Why?  Because you can’t wear a bikini in bobsledding. 

Looks can only carry you so far, even in our image-obsessed culture.  You are super-hot but also super-annoying, and, without any real success, that act gets tired (see Tim Tebow).  You want to get back in The Machine’s good graces?  Shut your mouth, make the Olympic bobsled team, and win a medal.  It’s that simple.  No more interviews about the “gift” you want to give your husband, or how it’s so hard to find a guy that doesn’t want to have sex (newsflash, like Bigfoot and nutritious fast-food, that doesn’t exist).  Just shut up and play.

However, given her past, that will be difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.  At 30 years old, it will be hard for her to get back to the Summer Olympics, so this may be her last chance at Olympic success.  If she fails, she’ll have to go back to the drawing board for attention.  Having no Olympics to draw attention to her, she’ll have to resort to other means.  The Machine’s money is that she’ll pose for Playboy, which is totally fine.  The pictures don’t talk.

Enjoy your teabag.

1 thought on “Tuesday Teabag, June 18, 2013 – Lolo Jones

  1. Pingback: Tuesday Teabag, July 2, 2013 – Aaron Hernandez | Big Red Sports Machine

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