Last week, loyal readers of The Machine knew we struggled with naming a Tuesday Teabag.  Well, the goodness that was in the world last week is gone; this week brought us a host of teabag-able people.  An HMT (Honorable Mention Teabag) goes out to the guy who called in the rules violation on Tiger Woods in the Masters.  Seriously?  You just nudged out Canadians on our list of things that annoy us (keep it up and you’ll zoom right past street performers).  

And obviously, an HMT goes out to the a-hole(s) responsible for the Boston Bombing (transitioning to serious for just a moment).  Please note that good will always win, and you will never be able to change our resolve.  The video of people running towards the bombing to help strangers shows our compassion and determination.  The Machine sends its prayers to those affected in Boston, and toasts to the eventual capture of the bomber(s).  Anyway, on to our teabags. 

Tyrann Mathieu

Tyrann is in the process of the biggest job interview ever, as the NFL Draft is a mere 9 days away.  Known as the Honey Badger, Tyrann was on top of the world at the end of the 2011 season.  He won the Chuck Bednarik Award (given to the best defensive player in college football) and was a Heisman Trophy finalist.  Then, it all went up in smoke. 

He was kicked off the team in August, 2012 just before the season was to begin, allegedly for failing multiple drug tests.  Confirming those allegations, Tyrann was then arrested in October for possession of marijuana.  He’s since spent the last 6 months rehabilitating his image (read: hired an agent and PR team to convince people he’s a changed man).  And, for the most part, it’s working.  Scouts have him ranked as early as the second round (still a ways away from a Top 5 pick he could’ve been).

So, it came as a surprise when he recently acknowledged that he “stopped counting after 10” when asked how many drug tests he failed at LSU.  First, make no mistake about it:  The Machine wants to party with Tyrann Mathieu.  Put The Machine together with Tyrann, it doesn’t matter where—it can be on Bourbon Street, an Applebee’s in Middle America, or any place with a karaoke machine, and It. Would. Be. Epic.  But come on, Tyrann…you’re this close to convincing people you’ve truly changed, and that handing you millions of dollars will in no way result in you buying trash bags full of government-grade herb (wink).  Write this next sentence down as the response to any question asked of you between now and April 25:  I’m not focused on the past; I’m looking forward to the future.  Drawing more attention to your checkered past is not the way to go, unless you’re looking to fall further down the draft board.

Carlos Quentin

In case you’ve been too caught up in your Draft Board to notice (guilty as charged) the baseball season has started.  Don’t worry, in just five short months baseball will become relevant.  Hang in there.  Until then, its usefulness will be relegated to the occasional teabag, which brings us to our friend Carlos.

Carlos got hit by a pitch from Zach Greinke last week.  Feeling the pitch was intentional, Quentin charged the mound, which (always) results in a bench clearing brawl.  The aftermath:  Greinke breaks his collarbone and is out for at least two months.  Now, a bench clearing brawl, by itself, is not necessarily a teabag-able offense.  Sometimes, it’s justified, and sometimes it’s memorable (The Machine doesn’t care if Robin Ventura goes on to become President of the United States, he’ll always be remembered in our mind as the kid that got his ass beat by old man Nolan Ryan).  In Carlos’ case, his actions were completely out of line.

For starters, it was a 3-2 count, in the sixth inning of a one run game.  For all the (stupid) unwritten rules there are in baseball, not one of them says this is the right time to hit a batter.  Clearly, it was not intentional.  Carlos claimed that he and Zach have a history, and he’s right:  this was the third time that Greinke’s hit him.  But here’s another stat:  everyone hits Carlos Quentin.  He led the NL last year in getting hit, and the year before that he led the AL.  The average MLB player gets hit 0.9% of the time.  Carlos?  4.1%.  That’s right, Carlos gets hit more than four times the average player.

So what does that tell you?  Either (a) every pitcher has it in for Carlos Quentin or (b) Carlos crowds the plate.  Look, getting hit by a pitch sucks, but you should be used to it by now.  Here’s a tip from The Machine:  if you want to stop getting hit, move back in the batter’s box.  You intentionally crowd the plate to take away the inside pitch, but clearly that hasn’t stopped people from pitching inside.  If you’re not going to change the way you stand in the batter’s box, then it should be no surprise that you’re on your way to leading the NL in getting hit again. 

The Machine has two words for you Carlos:  situational baseball.  Your charging the mound was completely unjustified.  If MLB had a set, they’d suspend you for as long as it takes for Greinke to pitch again.  Instead, you get off easy with an 8 game suspension.  That, and a teabag.

Enjoy your teabags fellas.