Tuesday Teabag, January 29, 2013 – Super Bro™ Edition

Of course The Machine has to add on to the ridiculousness that is Media Day at the Super Bowl.  So many overplayed and drawn out stories:  The last ride for Ray Lewis.  The emergence of the pistol.  Oh, and did you know that the coaches for each team are brothers?  They’re calling it the Har Bowl.  Come on media, you can do better than that.  The Machine prefers the Super Bro™. 

Yes folks, there’s really nothing else like the media coverage leading up to a Super Bowl.  With two weeks off, and only one game to report on, the media goes buck wild with Super Bowl coverage, and will do anything to draw attention to themselves and their networks.  It’s mostly all bullshit…except Inside Edition hiring Katherine Webb.  That’s totally legit.  With that much media coverage, it’s guaranteed to deliver some quality teabags.  Like giving money to a homeless person (you really think Shaky Joe used that buck for a McMuffin?) no good can come from intense media scrutiny.  And with that, The Machine presents to you a trio of Super Bro™ Media Day Teabags.

Joe Flacco.  When asked about his thoughts about next year’s Super Bowl in NYC, Flacco responded, “I think it’s retarded. I probably shouldn’t say that. I think it’s stupid.  If you want a Super Bowl, put a retractable dome on your stadium.  Then you can get one.”  He continued his whining, saying “I don’t really like the idea.  I don’t think people would react very well to it, or be glad to play anybody in that kind of weather.”  This response is retarded (Joe’s word not ours) for many reasons.

First, you expect lesser known players (see #2 below) to make some Teabag worthy comments.  But not your quarterback.  He’s supposed to be the one player that’s above the fray, who’s supposed to exhibit a resolve that never breaks.  Remember those inappropriate quotes from Tom Brady and Eli last year?  Exactly.  Hey Joe, you may not play like an elite quarterback, but you should at least act like one.

Second, that’s the question you choose to drop the R word on.  It’s the softest of softball question.  The obvious answer:  “I’m not concerned with that Super Bowl.  The only one I want to talk about is the one I’m playing in.”  Giving a controversial answer to an otherwise innocuous question is…well…you know what it is.

Third, way to show the world what a complete pussy you are.  The Super Bowl can only be in warm weather, particularly a dome to ensure a sterile, climate-controlled environment?  Why?  Is the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field only cool during the regular season?  Having a Super Bowl in NYC is actually (another) brilliant move by the NFL.  Your crying about a game being played in cold weather is not.

Update:  Joe, after he (read:  the Ravens PR staff) had a chance to reflect on his comments, folded like a two dollar whore.  “Obviously, it was a poor choice of words.  At home, I have a close relationship with Special Olympics.  I didn’t mean to offend anyone.  I definitely apologize for that.”  You know you screwed up royally when you have to resort to the “I have a lot of retarded friends” line. 

Bernard Pollard.  The Baltimore Ravens safety made some eye-raising comments when he declared that they NFL will not be in existence in 30 years because of all the rule changes to make the game safer.  The game will be so watered-down, he reasoned, that people won’t want to watch.  Interestingly, he then admitted that the players are bigger, faster, stronger, and hit harder than ever before, and that he’s waiting for a player to die on the field.

Ok, where to begin.  Well, nothing is the same today as it was 30 years ago.  Music today sucks and what the fuck is Pinterest?  Regarding football, do you remember the NFL of the 80’s?  Does the phrase “3 yards and a cloud of dust” ring a bell?  That NFL was boring and predictable, and there was zero emphasis on player safety (shake off the concussion boy, you’re fine).  How many episodes of Outside the Lines do you have to watch of former players suffering memory loss or other debilitating illnesses to know that something’s got to change?  And, despite these changes, the game’s never been more exciting than it is today.  You can still deliver knock out hits…similar to the (totally legal) beat down you laid on Stevan Ridley in the AFC Championship Game. 

Yes, the buzz word in the NFL today is safety.  The goal is to maintain the integrity of the game while making it safer…perhaps, in part, because today’s NFL player is bigger, faster, stronger, and hits harder than ever before.  Sure, some talked about changes are a bit much (The Machine has faith that the NFL will realize eliminating kickoffs is dumb) but saying that the NFL won’t exist because it will turn into two hand touch football is simply dumb.  And ending your anti-safety remarks with concern that someone may die on the field is slightly (sarcasm intended) contradictory.

People aren’t going stop watching football because you can’t lead with your head or form a wedge.  We live in a nanny state now, the average NFL fan is no doubt an overprotective parent whose (more) overprotective spouse insists on changing the channel if there’s too much violence on TV (it’s bad for the kids).  Right or wrong, gratuitous violence is not a part of mainstream culture anymore, despite The Machine’s appreciation of MMA and Bum Fighting. 

Ok, time to go and chew my son’s food and feed it to him mama bird/baby bird style (everyone’s doing it).  Be right back.

Randy Moss.  Moss declared himself to be the best WR to ever play the game.  This one’s easy. 

Randy Moss – 982/15,292/156

Jerry Rice – 1,549/22,895/197

It’s not even close.  Top 5?  Sure.  But GOAT?  Not a chance.  No one measures up to Jerry Rice.  You lose in every category, especially in the “being a good teammate and not a malcontent diva” category.  Need more convincing?  Ask yourself this:  Was Jerry Rice ever used as a decoy?

For the sake of Niners fans, let’s hope Randy’s not passing on his wisdom and football ethics to Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree.

There you have it folks.  Good thing is, we only have to suffer through five more days of useless media coverage, Katherine Webb excluded, until the Super Bro™.

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