Why the Patriots will win the Super Bowl

Let’s get it on!

Hi friends.  We’re back at it with full Super Bowl coverage.  Roid Rage will try to explain to you why the Rams will win the Super Bowl (you know, the team that doesn’t even belong there and has Todd Gurley at 60% health).  Good luck with that.  I don’t care how hot Sean McVay’s girlfriend is (which, for the record, is really hot), not even that will stop me from going with what we all know, whether we want to admit it:  the New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl.

But Ginger King, isn’t this a departure from your normal, anti-everything New England (except chowder, that shit’s delicious).  Yes, but I forgot to tell you my New Year’s resolution:

Embrace Evil.

Evil begets evil

Yes.  With Sith blood flowing freely through my veins, I can finally recognize and appreciate the greatness of the best football dynasty of all time.  It’s an unprecedented level of success.  Since the turn of the century, the Patriots have won the AFC East 16 times (including 10 in a row) with 5 Super Bowls.  All with the same Coach, same quarterback, and same plug and play receivers and cornerbacks.

I’m even moved by Tom Brady’s hype video:

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If you happen to be lucky…

A post shared by Tom Brady (@tombrady) on

The Patriots have been so good, for so long, that they need to invent their own problems.  TB12, Deflategate, awkwardly long mouth to mouth kisses with your children…the Patriots are that bored that they need to make shit up.  And here’s the latest:  that they’re the underdog.

Hands of an underdog.

Seriously.  Is anyone buying this?  Vegas was, for a hot second, when the Patriots were underdogs to Kansas City, you know, the new, high scoring team with a hot shot young quarterback (sound familiar?).  Well, that didn’t last long, and it didn’t take long for the Patriots to acknowledge it either.  The New England smugness was in full effect, just minutes after the AFC Championship Game.

And why were the Patriots thought of as underdogs, you ask?  Because [putting tinfoil hat on] they manufactured that message, too.  Yes, with a somewhat pedestrian regular season (by Patriot standards), the Patriots crafted this story line that they’re the underdogs.  That they don’t have the firepower they used to.  A muted Gronk.  That they’re too old, and a shell of their former selves.  Well, don’t believe it for a second.  Let’s break this down, shall we.

They don’t have the firepower they used to.

FALSE.  In fact, they have more firepower this year than last year.  Two words:  Julian Edleman.  Julian may not be thought of as one of the best receivers in the league, but that’s only because you’re not thinking hard enough.  Come playoff time, his numbers are HOF worthy.  Edleman is second in all-time playoff receptions (behind Jerry Rice) and only needs 45 yards to be second in all-time receiving yards (again, behind Jerry Rice).  And he didn’t play in the Super Bowl last year, as he was out with a knee injury.  With a healthy Edleman, Brady has his do everything receiver back.  And you heard it hear first:  Edleman will throw a touchdown pass.  We’re calling this the Patriot Special (suck it, Philly).

Muted Gronk

FALSE.  Sure, our favorite meathead/future Celebrity Big Brother had a career low 3 tds, a depressing 47 receptions, and oftentimes looked slow and broken down this season (check out the Miami Miracle and you’ll see what I mean).  But when it mattered, Gronk delivered.  Gronk went 6/79 against Kansas City.  Not spectacular, but he came through in the clutch.  On their game-winning overtime drive, 3rd and 10, Brady went to Gronk, who delivered on a 15-yard reception.  That was Brady’s last pass of the game.  And get this:  Gronk was targeted a team high (and season high) 11 times.  Translation:  Gronk’s Tide pod and Monster fueled body still has some gas in the tank.  And it comes at the right time, against the right team.

Chest bumps for everyone!

As tough as the Rams D is, they are vulnerable to tight ends.  During their Week 11 game against Kansas City, Travis Kelce went 10/127/1, with a team high 15 targets.  Gronk will present the same type of matchup dilemma.  It’s a matchup the Patriots will exploit, and Gronk should flourish, especially when lined out wide against a db.  Look for Gronk to lead the Patriots in targets (and fist bumps).

Too Old

FALSE.  This one’s hilarious.  The Patriots suffer from late 90’s/early 00’s Yankees syndrome (don’t say that in Boston, btw).  They’ve been so good, for so long, with such an obnoxious fucking fanbase, that everyone can’t wait for the next best thing to come along.  And that shiny new toy is the Rams…the new team in a new city with the youngest head coach in the NFL.  Sean McVay just turned 33 on Thursday (son of a bitch).  Bill Belichick is literally twice his age.  Jared Goff.  Todd Gurley.  Aaron Donald.  The next dynasty, generation of studs, best hope to beat the Patriots.

Yes, the millennials are here and, unlike every other scenario involving millennials, the whole country is rooting for them.  All of a sudden, the game has passed by the old ball coach.  The hoodie is old news.  Brady’s lost it.  Gronk’s lost it.  The dynasty is over.  Correction;  the dynasty is almost over.  Like Bobby Bacala, Sr. in the Sopranos, Belichick’s got one more hit in him.  One more trick up his sleeve.  They’re just that good.  Look for Bellichick to out-McVay, McVay, and call the games first trick play (e.g., fake fg/punt, trick play).

Think about the head to head comparisons.

Coaching:  Patriots

Quarterback:  Patriots

Receivers:  Patriots

Running Backs:  Push, although I can make a pretty good case this too should be the Patriots.  Sorry, but there’s no way Todd Gurley is at 100% and the Rams’ offensive strategy is to lean on CJ Anderson.  Not buying it.  Gurley had 4 carries for 10 yards against the Saints.  The Rams had 1 rushing touchdown against the Saints, and only 4 rushing touchdowns in the playoffs.  Contrast that with the Patriots, who have had 8 rushing touchdowns in the playoffs, led by rookie stud Sony Michel, who has had 5 rushing touchdowns…more than the entire Rams.

Defense:  Rams, but it’s a lot closer than you think.  The Rams are 31st –that’s right, second to last in the league – at points allowed per game, giving up over 32 points a game.  The Rams and Patriots are tied with 18 interceptions each, and the Patriots have caused more fumbles.  Sure, I’m cherry picking stats to make my case, (let’s not look at sacks or Aaron Donald, ok) but everyone’s acting like this Rams D is the second coming of the ’85 Bears.  Puh-lease.  Not even close.  And while there’s only ever been one ejection in Super Bowl history, look for hot head and dick-stomper Ndamakung Suh to double that total.

Apologies to everyone west of Massachusetts, but come Super Bowl Sunday, evil will prevail.  Evil will also cover the spread, as I love the Patriots at -2.5.  Sorry Rams, your fickle fanbase will soon go back to surfing and LeBron, and will forget that there’s even a team in LA, let alone two.  And Tom Brady will hoist his 6th Super Bowl trophy and go back home to his supermodel wife.  Evil is good.

Patriots:  34, Rams 28

Book the parade.

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