Dwight Howard
Oh Dwight. Just two short years ago, you were the posterchild for the do right in the NBA. Malcontent (nope), diva (no way), only one out of wedlock kid (that’s NBA speak for virgin). You had it all. While the rest of the world was pissed at Lebron for The Decision, no one was pissed at you. You were carefree, effervescent…everyone loved your Superman ritual. You were, in a word, unstoppable.
Today, you are unforgiveable. Sure, you ended up with the Lakers. Good for you. But here Dwight, the end does not justify the means. In the last season alone, you not only erased all of your good will, but you’ve proved that you are not only the most selfish, me-first individual in professional sports, but you also the dumbest. Let’s recap:
You pissed and moaned to the Magic brass and demanded Van Gundy and Otis Smith get fired at the end of the season, all the while denying it. In exchange, you signed a one-year extension to stay with the Magic for next season. Now, that alone is pretty douchey, but hey, we’ve all tried to get the boss fired before. But then, incredibly, you take it one step further. The Magic, in good faith reliance on The Deal (which yes, is the douche bag version of The Decision), fire Van Gundy and Smith (thanks for taking us to the postseason five years in a row Stan, now pack up your shit and walk your doughy ass out the door). You should’ve shut up then, played out your year in Orlando (maybe ask for a trade behind the scenes), all the while knowing that the summer of 2013 you’d be an unrestricted free agent. But no, you then demanded a trade, reneging on The Deal. And not only did you demand a trade, but you limited it to one Team: the Nets. You think that maybe affects the power negotiations for the Magic?
Did you not realize that you had all the leverage BEFORE you signed your one year extension, and, after that, you had NO leverage at all? If you wanted to go to Brooklyn, you could’ve been there. You could’ve become the cornerstone of bringing the game back to Brooklyn. Superman back in Metropolis. You easily would’ve been the best center in NYC since Ewing. You could’ve owned NYC (sounds awesome, right)? But instead, now you’re following Shaq’s footsteps to LA. Please note that the comparisons between you and The Diesel end there. Your antics over the past two seasons will ensure that you will never attain Shaq-status. Even if you star in Kazaam 2.
Sure, you’ll probably win a title in LA (you do have Kobe, Gasol, and Steve Nash), and sure, the media will likely forgive you (we are a forgiving bunch). But not The Machine. The Machine’s Douche-dar is as good (if not better) than its Gay-dar, and our meter is off the charts. Beware LA, Superdouche is already on full display. Case in point: Dwight’s already announced that he has no intention of signing a long term deal (or any extension) until after the season. Translation: if things don’t go his way, if the spotlight’s not completely on him (and guess what, it won’t be when you’re lacing up alongside Black Mamba), if the offense doesn’t run through him, if the Lakers don’t win a championship, if he doesn’t have a better parking space than Metta World Peace (you get the picture), then you can bet your ass he’ll high tail it out of LA, and then the Lakers will be left with nothing for The Deal. Even if he does sign an extension, it’s just a matter of time before the fun-loving gives way to the malcontent.
Want some free advice from The Machine: fire everyone that currently represents you. Agents, managers, lawyers. Everyone. You’re management team has proved about as productive as Tim Tebow in a whore house (this goes where?). And sign your extension with LA. You may not know it, but your stock has dropped. A lot. There’s no way you could command the kind of coin you’re expecting (or your management team is telling you to expect), when every team knows that as soon as things don’t go your way, you’ll bitch, complain, and force your way out the door. You can’t be trusted to build a franchise around; hence, you’ll never get paid like one.
Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.