Tuesday Teabag, August 7

Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!

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